[ Paper rustles, his shoes scuff when nudged into tidiness.
His expression sets, a silent invocation of his own that says, "I know."
Beholden to the rules of his house since he was old enough to know the words and the ritual politeness of a strict upbringing, he rarely defaults to right-dressing and decorum now. It's rude to show up unannounced on someone's doorstep, asking for what he's asking, and yet he hadn't even thought to stop himself once he'd committed. ]
I... [ a moment passes, no longer than a breath, thoughts coalescing. ] ...can't guarantee something like that won't happen again.
[ Not the fight, the fragment, the great effulgence of magic in bloom, rupture, wilt; a detonation he caught so many people in. He has no control over what they may have to do in the future, and inaction isn't an option. Quietly, he lays his palm against Saheon's, gaze honing on the overlay. ]
I made a mistake. And this is the way I know how to avoid repeating it.
[ Subaru couldn't control the fight. He couldn't control his magic. He couldn't control Agent Choi, or Sleep, or Saheon's panic. So things happened the way they did.
Calling it Subaru's fault is laughable. Saheon almost wants to laugh in his face. A mistake? Trust was the only mistake the other man made, the rest was just a predictable consequence anyone could have foreseen. A man like this, a human being, can't guarantee Saheon's survival. So things will always happen this way...
He meet Subaru's gaze head on. ]
Good luck, then.
[ On some level, he's sure Subaru suspected him before this. There are only a few sensible explanations for why he's here unharmed when others are dead, and none of them reflect well on Baek Saheon. When the tether connects, a firebrand of sudden neurogenically shock, it's no longer possible to hide how he feels. Saheon is sure his lack of guilt is damning. His mind is hateful, weak, desolate, with no room for anything else. Something that lived so long with deep seated animal panic, a fox gnawing its leg off in a trap, that it's impossible to differentiate anything else.
How can Subaru answer that...seriously. What mistake will you fix? ]
[ What meets him in the burgeoned, biting animal rattle of the tether is remembrance, roaring — of every severed dog's head he's torn up from shallow park graves, every malignant spirit excised from the place it was chained to in death. Every mournful wail, curse, and fetish created; the idolatry of broken windpipes smaller than the hands that crushed them, a lover's collected teeth; the salt and heat of hunger, of black magic, drawn up by his fingers as poison sucked from a wound.
There are a thousand ghosts in here with him because he is unable to forget. Nothing scars in this enshrinement. They wanted to live, and they do. That fight in the underground will be much the same. To commit this funereal wellspring of premeditated ruin to memory is... no different. It will never be any different.
What's one thousand and one? ]
There's no changing what's already happened. [ He responds aloud, confirmation that the tether took. ] I know.
[ He slips his hand away. ]
So, think of it as self-satisfaction, if you'd like.
[ Normally, Saheon knows the tether by the presence of another mind, Adolphe's dull apathy or Choi's lively analytics. This feels different, like the echo of his own malignance. Dog skulls and dog teeth, a shallow grave full of centipedes, rope burns and gold seeping into pavement. It's a cacophony. It's easy to fold away. After all, right now Subaru's mind is only what Saheon already knows. ]
As long as you know...
[ As long as Subaru knows... The dog teeth gnaw. As long as Subaru knows what Saheon did, even a hint, it's probably safer if he's dead. Yet even Sleep couldn't manage that. On some level, that means he's stronger then her.
So... As long as Subaru knows but is willing to let it be... Saheon slips his hand away, putting it back in his pocket. If accepting what Saheon is satisfied Subaru. ]
It's fine. I understand but...I don't think I can give you what you want, sir.
[ He might try if he could manage it. That's almost like saying "I'm sorry". ]
[ Even in the dredges of humanity's worst, he still chooses this — connection, even at cost. Connection, even if it reads more as a reflection. But it's easier too, to allow his consciousness to fold easily into that of Saheon's. So that it may be overlooked, forgotten, wanting for nothing in return. Not even teeth.
With the tether in place, he steps back with the intent to go right back to his coat and shoes, inclining his head on the way as if in honor of whatever transaction it counts for. It's a bit pathetic, for a single tether to feel like it's taken everything out of him, but he'll manage.
He does cast a glimpse upwards, more stern than curious. ]
[ A promise. A word that this will never happen again. Loyalty. Empathy. An apology. Sincere regret. Personal change. Selflessness. A lotus flower from mud. ]
Satisfaction.
[ It's a nice thought, what Subaru is doing, to make good the bad. Redeem all the awful dregs like Saheon, in their cloying misery. He can feel it all up in his head now, your easy empty acceptance. What does it actually achieve? Subaru is strong, and if Saheon doesn't have a reason to hurt anyone, if someone feels the pulses of his easy hate, he's sure Subaru can cow him away from the extreme...but this is no binding vow, no promise, no lasting change. Saheon still doesn't regret being alive. ]
No matter how I look at it, I can't see it.
[ He can't see a good ending for a person like you.
...Let him follow Subaru to the door. He'll get your coat. ]
[ A fine list of summoned, imaginary things. Illusion versus ghosts, alight on the tether. In the end, he may not be able to do anything. Wanting is just that, the tang of hunger like a sieve through which his ability sifts. What remains are the shards, the bone bits picked from dust. ]
...if you're lucky, you may never have to see it.
[ But who's luck is it that they're depending on, really? Subaru bends to get his shoes back on.
[ Why should he care? The only important thing is to stay alive for at least a few days more. There is nothing more to say except to acknowledge ghosts.
Right now, all Saheon can summon is that dim thought that if Subaru did die on his long trek home, it would be mentally unpleasant. He leans on the side of the door to watch him go. ]
no subject
His expression sets, a silent invocation of his own that says, "I know."
Beholden to the rules of his house since he was old enough to know the words and the ritual politeness of a strict upbringing, he rarely defaults to right-dressing and decorum now. It's rude to show up unannounced on someone's doorstep, asking for what he's asking, and yet he hadn't even thought to stop himself once he'd committed. ]
I... [ a moment passes, no longer than a breath, thoughts coalescing. ] ...can't guarantee something like that won't happen again.
[ Not the fight, the fragment, the great effulgence of magic in bloom, rupture, wilt; a detonation he caught so many people in. He has no control over what they may have to do in the future, and inaction isn't an option. Quietly, he lays his palm against Saheon's, gaze honing on the overlay. ]
I made a mistake. And this is the way I know how to avoid repeating it.
no subject
[ Subaru couldn't control the fight. He couldn't control his magic. He couldn't control Agent Choi, or Sleep, or Saheon's panic. So things happened the way they did.
Calling it Subaru's fault is laughable. Saheon almost wants to laugh in his face. A mistake? Trust was the only mistake the other man made, the rest was just a predictable consequence anyone could have foreseen. A man like this, a human being, can't guarantee Saheon's survival. So things will always happen this way...
He meet Subaru's gaze head on. ]
Good luck, then.
[ On some level, he's sure Subaru suspected him before this. There are only a few sensible explanations for why he's here unharmed when others are dead, and none of them reflect well on Baek Saheon. When the tether connects, a firebrand of sudden neurogenically shock, it's no longer possible to hide how he feels. Saheon is sure his lack of guilt is damning. His mind is hateful, weak, desolate, with no room for anything else. Something that lived so long with deep seated animal panic, a fox gnawing its leg off in a trap, that it's impossible to differentiate anything else.
How can Subaru answer that...seriously. What mistake will you fix? ]
no subject
There are a thousand ghosts in here with him because he is unable to forget. Nothing scars in this enshrinement. They wanted to live, and they do. That fight in the underground will be much the same. To commit this funereal wellspring of premeditated ruin to memory is... no different. It will never be any different.
What's one thousand and one? ]
There's no changing what's already happened. [ He responds aloud, confirmation that the tether took. ] I know.
[ He slips his hand away. ]
So, think of it as self-satisfaction, if you'd like.
no subject
As long as you know...
[ As long as Subaru knows... The dog teeth gnaw. As long as Subaru knows what Saheon did, even a hint, it's probably safer if he's dead. Yet even Sleep couldn't manage that. On some level, that means he's stronger then her.
So... As long as Subaru knows but is willing to let it be... Saheon slips his hand away, putting it back in his pocket. If accepting what Saheon is satisfied Subaru. ]
It's fine. I understand but...I don't think I can give you what you want, sir.
[ He might try if he could manage it. That's almost like saying "I'm sorry". ]
no subject
With the tether in place, he steps back with the intent to go right back to his coat and shoes, inclining his head on the way as if in honor of whatever transaction it counts for. It's a bit pathetic, for a single tether to feel like it's taken everything out of him, but he'll manage.
He does cast a glimpse upwards, more stern than curious. ]
What is it that you think I want?
no subject
Satisfaction.
[ It's a nice thought, what Subaru is doing, to make good the bad. Redeem all the awful dregs like Saheon, in their cloying misery. He can feel it all up in his head now, your easy empty acceptance. What does it actually achieve? Subaru is strong, and if Saheon doesn't have a reason to hurt anyone, if someone feels the pulses of his easy hate, he's sure Subaru can cow him away from the extreme...but this is no binding vow, no promise, no lasting change. Saheon still doesn't regret being alive. ]
No matter how I look at it, I can't see it.
[ He can't see a good ending for a person like you.
...Let him follow Subaru to the door. He'll get your coat. ]
no subject
...if you're lucky, you may never have to see it.
[ But who's luck is it that they're depending on, really? Subaru bends to get his shoes back on.
He doesn't ask. He doesn't care to. ]
There's nothing you need to do now.
[ Since he got what he came for. ]
no subject
[ Why should he care? The only important thing is to stay alive for at least a few days more. There is nothing more to say except to acknowledge ghosts.
Right now, all Saheon can summon is that dim thought that if Subaru did die on his long trek home, it would be mentally unpleasant. He leans on the side of the door to watch him go. ]
If you need me, you'll know where I am, sir.