[ That single pinpoint of illumination is the only thing that gives him any hope he didn't make the walk in vain. So, he waits on it. He doesn't reach out through the Murmur, doesn't intrude where not mentally invited. Only physically. It is too human for the living to have to suffer one another.
He looks about as good as he feels, comparatively — but it doesn't loosen the stern set of his expression when he simply states what he came here for: ]
[ That cracks the careful mask of Saheon's guard, but underneath is just confusion. He was expecting a different reaction. Several. It does him no good to dwell on worst case scenarios but his eye still flicks down towards Subaru's hands as if astonished to see no weapon or even a clenched fist.
Tethering isn't a punishment. It forces nothing on the other party but some intrusive thoughts, a calming of influence, or a false sense of companionship. It's a show of trust, not the ostracization of a coward. So why on earth-? ]
Are you... [ The words are so forced and insincere, but they are what someone should say in this situation. ] ...feeling all right?
[ If he notices the splintering of his guard, he's not making a show of it. To plunge his judgment into the negative spaces where any emotion might exist does neither of them any good. And... it takes the ill-fit of humanity in one to recognize it in another, either by nature or nurture. Subaru's demeanor doesn't yield, even to the mismatch of Saheon's surprise with the duplicity of his question. ]
I'm lucid. And I know what I'm asking for.
[ He holds his hand out as if he's never been denied anything, the gesture nearly rhetorical. ]
You're being pretty forceful right now, sir. It's not how you normally are.
[ A finger taps on the edge of the door. Saheon briefly entertains the idea of refusal. If he said no, and closed the door, is Subaru the type who would force the issue. It's not possible to force a tether without consent, as far as Saheon's aware, but he might have a backup plan that would be less pleasant.
Of course, there is no normal reason he would want to tether right now either. He tries to imagine if he'd never gone into the sewers, what he'd say. If he really had no idea why Subaru was here and what he wanted... ]
...I'd do it for something in return. [ He leans back, opening the door a little wider. Come on in, Subaru. You can't just tether him on the street like he's your back alley fling. ]
[ Point taken, even if he's not the one making it transactional. Normally placid, Saheon isn't so far off the mark. But he gets it into his mind every once in a blue moon, to swing his weight in a way that's neither demure nor deferential.
He has things to lose. ]
What I can offer... [ He responds, the strange thrum of determination in his chest wilting beneath its bruises as he crosses the threshold of his apartment door. Once inside, his fingers flex into the hem of his coat draped over his shoulders. He squares his gaze on him. ] depends on what it is you want.
[ Saheon ignores the question at first. He points to the shelving arranged near the door with an uncharacteristically firm expression. He doesn't offer any tea, he's not that sort of host, but all around the apartment are the little tells of an obsessive neatness, even in its relatively abandoned state. ]
I like useful things, sir. I still have your ribbon. [ Unless Choi stole it and gave it back when Saheon wasn't looking... Why is he thinking about Choi? Stupid. ]
For a tether. I'd take rare food, gasoline, prescription painkillers, purified water in quantities above 2 liters... or I guess we could just call it a favor.
[ He didn't realize it was going to be this kind of visit, hospitality like a snake's hollowed fang. Listening, there is an easy physicality to the way he obeys — slipping off his shoes in the entryway and sloughing the coat off his shoulders. It's ugly underneath, all discoloration and stitches.
He gingerly fishes into a pocket for a small spread of paper, the backs already inscribed with long, scrawling sigils. ]
My taste isn't so poor that I'd come here and promise you something vague.
[ Even if a "favor" could turn out to be quite the commodity. ]
I know where a cache of gasoline is. As for the rest... [ Ink floods his fingertips. He stamps a few of the talismans with his thumb, magic in flux. No, he has not learned his lesson. ] Inscribe what you're looking for on these to invoke them. They'll scout for you.
[ His eyes linger on the stiches a few moments too long, but he moves to scoot Subaru's shoes a little more in line next to his own. The agents are missing, because of course they are.
Hospitality is such an ugly word. This is just how things are done, a checklist they might as well get through so they both get what they want. Saheon is well trained in the various rules of polite conduct, it was expected he'd give up what little he had to outsiders without a second thought...
He nudges Subaru's shoes again. They're not even and it's bothering him. ]
Deal. [ Saheon takes the paper gingerly, his eyes flicking down the runes to see if they match up with what he remembers from their fight in the tunnels. He doesn't want to accept a bomb, but everything seems to check out as far as he remembers...
Slowly, Saheon pockets the paper and stretches out one hand. ]
Last chance, I guess. Do I even get to know why you want this?
[ Paper rustles, his shoes scuff when nudged into tidiness.
His expression sets, a silent invocation of his own that says, "I know."
Beholden to the rules of his house since he was old enough to know the words and the ritual politeness of a strict upbringing, he rarely defaults to right-dressing and decorum now. It's rude to show up unannounced on someone's doorstep, asking for what he's asking, and yet he hadn't even thought to stop himself once he'd committed. ]
I... [ a moment passes, no longer than a breath, thoughts coalescing. ] ...can't guarantee something like that won't happen again.
[ Not the fight, the fragment, the great effulgence of magic in bloom, rupture, wilt; a detonation he caught so many people in. He has no control over what they may have to do in the future, and inaction isn't an option. Quietly, he lays his palm against Saheon's, gaze honing on the overlay. ]
I made a mistake. And this is the way I know how to avoid repeating it.
[ Subaru couldn't control the fight. He couldn't control his magic. He couldn't control Agent Choi, or Sleep, or Saheon's panic. So things happened the way they did.
Calling it Subaru's fault is laughable. Saheon almost wants to laugh in his face. A mistake? Trust was the only mistake the other man made, the rest was just a predictable consequence anyone could have foreseen. A man like this, a human being, can't guarantee Saheon's survival. So things will always happen this way...
He meet Subaru's gaze head on. ]
Good luck, then.
[ On some level, he's sure Subaru suspected him before this. There are only a few sensible explanations for why he's here unharmed when others are dead, and none of them reflect well on Baek Saheon. When the tether connects, a firebrand of sudden neurogenically shock, it's no longer possible to hide how he feels. Saheon is sure his lack of guilt is damning. His mind is hateful, weak, desolate, with no room for anything else. Something that lived so long with deep seated animal panic, a fox gnawing its leg off in a trap, that it's impossible to differentiate anything else.
How can Subaru answer that...seriously. What mistake will you fix? ]
[ What meets him in the burgeoned, biting animal rattle of the tether is remembrance, roaring — of every severed dog's head he's torn up from shallow park graves, every malignant spirit excised from the place it was chained to in death. Every mournful wail, curse, and fetish created; the idolatry of broken windpipes smaller than the hands that crushed them, a lover's collected teeth; the salt and heat of hunger, of black magic, drawn up by his fingers as poison sucked from a wound.
There are a thousand ghosts in here with him because he is unable to forget. Nothing scars in this enshrinement. They wanted to live, and they do. That fight in the underground will be much the same. To commit this funereal wellspring of premeditated ruin to memory is... no different. It will never be any different.
What's one thousand and one? ]
There's no changing what's already happened. [ He responds aloud, confirmation that the tether took. ] I know.
[ He slips his hand away. ]
So, think of it as self-satisfaction, if you'd like.
[ Normally, Saheon knows the tether by the presence of another mind, Adolphe's dull apathy or Choi's lively analytics. This feels different, like the echo of his own malignance. Dog skulls and dog teeth, a shallow grave full of centipedes, rope burns and gold seeping into pavement. It's a cacophony. It's easy to fold away. After all, right now Subaru's mind is only what Saheon already knows. ]
As long as you know...
[ As long as Subaru knows... The dog teeth gnaw. As long as Subaru knows what Saheon did, even a hint, it's probably safer if he's dead. Yet even Sleep couldn't manage that. On some level, that means he's stronger then her.
So... As long as Subaru knows but is willing to let it be... Saheon slips his hand away, putting it back in his pocket. If accepting what Saheon is satisfied Subaru. ]
It's fine. I understand but...I don't think I can give you what you want, sir.
[ He might try if he could manage it. That's almost like saying "I'm sorry". ]
[ Even in the dredges of humanity's worst, he still chooses this — connection, even at cost. Connection, even if it reads more as a reflection. But it's easier too, to allow his consciousness to fold easily into that of Saheon's. So that it may be overlooked, forgotten, wanting for nothing in return. Not even teeth.
With the tether in place, he steps back with the intent to go right back to his coat and shoes, inclining his head on the way as if in honor of whatever transaction it counts for. It's a bit pathetic, for a single tether to feel like it's taken everything out of him, but he'll manage.
He does cast a glimpse upwards, more stern than curious. ]
[ A promise. A word that this will never happen again. Loyalty. Empathy. An apology. Sincere regret. Personal change. Selflessness. A lotus flower from mud. ]
Satisfaction.
[ It's a nice thought, what Subaru is doing, to make good the bad. Redeem all the awful dregs like Saheon, in their cloying misery. He can feel it all up in his head now, your easy empty acceptance. What does it actually achieve? Subaru is strong, and if Saheon doesn't have a reason to hurt anyone, if someone feels the pulses of his easy hate, he's sure Subaru can cow him away from the extreme...but this is no binding vow, no promise, no lasting change. Saheon still doesn't regret being alive. ]
No matter how I look at it, I can't see it.
[ He can't see a good ending for a person like you.
...Let him follow Subaru to the door. He'll get your coat. ]
[ A fine list of summoned, imaginary things. Illusion versus ghosts, alight on the tether. In the end, he may not be able to do anything. Wanting is just that, the tang of hunger like a sieve through which his ability sifts. What remains are the shards, the bone bits picked from dust. ]
...if you're lucky, you may never have to see it.
[ But who's luck is it that they're depending on, really? Subaru bends to get his shoes back on.
[ Why should he care? The only important thing is to stay alive for at least a few days more. There is nothing more to say except to acknowledge ghosts.
Right now, all Saheon can summon is that dim thought that if Subaru did die on his long trek home, it would be mentally unpleasant. He leans on the side of the door to watch him go. ]
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He looks about as good as he feels, comparatively — but it doesn't loosen the stern set of his expression when he simply states what he came here for: ]
Tether with me.
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[ That cracks the careful mask of Saheon's guard, but underneath is just confusion. He was expecting a different reaction. Several. It does him no good to dwell on worst case scenarios but his eye still flicks down towards Subaru's hands as if astonished to see no weapon or even a clenched fist.
Tethering isn't a punishment. It forces nothing on the other party but some intrusive thoughts, a calming of influence, or a false sense of companionship. It's a show of trust, not the ostracization of a coward. So why on earth-? ]
Are you... [ The words are so forced and insincere, but they are what someone should say in this situation. ] ...feeling all right?
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I'm lucid. And I know what I'm asking for.
[ He holds his hand out as if he's never been denied anything, the gesture nearly rhetorical. ]
I don't expect anything in return.
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[ A finger taps on the edge of the door. Saheon briefly entertains the idea of refusal. If he said no, and closed the door, is Subaru the type who would force the issue. It's not possible to force a tether without consent, as far as Saheon's aware, but he might have a backup plan that would be less pleasant.
Of course, there is no normal reason he would want to tether right now either. He tries to imagine if he'd never gone into the sewers, what he'd say. If he really had no idea why Subaru was here and what he wanted... ]
...I'd do it for something in return. [ He leans back, opening the door a little wider. Come on in, Subaru. You can't just tether him on the street like he's your back alley fling. ]
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He has things to lose. ]
What I can offer... [ He responds, the strange thrum of determination in his chest wilting beneath its bruises as he crosses the threshold of his apartment door. Once inside, his fingers flex into the hem of his coat draped over his shoulders. He squares his gaze on him. ] depends on what it is you want.
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[ Saheon ignores the question at first. He points to the shelving arranged near the door with an uncharacteristically firm expression. He doesn't offer any tea, he's not that sort of host, but all around the apartment are the little tells of an obsessive neatness, even in its relatively abandoned state. ]
I like useful things, sir. I still have your ribbon. [ Unless Choi stole it and gave it back when Saheon wasn't looking... Why is he thinking about Choi? Stupid. ]
For a tether. I'd take rare food, gasoline, prescription painkillers, purified water in quantities above 2 liters... or I guess we could just call it a favor.
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He gingerly fishes into a pocket for a small spread of paper, the backs already inscribed with long, scrawling sigils. ]
My taste isn't so poor that I'd come here and promise you something vague.
[ Even if a "favor" could turn out to be quite the commodity. ]
I know where a cache of gasoline is. As for the rest... [ Ink floods his fingertips. He stamps a few of the talismans with his thumb, magic in flux. No, he has not learned his lesson. ] Inscribe what you're looking for on these to invoke them. They'll scout for you.
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[ His eyes linger on the stiches a few moments too long, but he moves to scoot Subaru's shoes a little more in line next to his own. The agents are missing, because of course they are.
Hospitality is such an ugly word. This is just how things are done, a checklist they might as well get through so they both get what they want. Saheon is well trained in the various rules of polite conduct, it was expected he'd give up what little he had to outsiders without a second thought...
He nudges Subaru's shoes again. They're not even and it's bothering him. ]
Deal. [ Saheon takes the paper gingerly, his eyes flicking down the runes to see if they match up with what he remembers from their fight in the tunnels. He doesn't want to accept a bomb, but everything seems to check out as far as he remembers...
Slowly, Saheon pockets the paper and stretches out one hand. ]
Last chance, I guess. Do I even get to know why you want this?
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His expression sets, a silent invocation of his own that says, "I know."
Beholden to the rules of his house since he was old enough to know the words and the ritual politeness of a strict upbringing, he rarely defaults to right-dressing and decorum now. It's rude to show up unannounced on someone's doorstep, asking for what he's asking, and yet he hadn't even thought to stop himself once he'd committed. ]
I... [ a moment passes, no longer than a breath, thoughts coalescing. ] ...can't guarantee something like that won't happen again.
[ Not the fight, the fragment, the great effulgence of magic in bloom, rupture, wilt; a detonation he caught so many people in. He has no control over what they may have to do in the future, and inaction isn't an option. Quietly, he lays his palm against Saheon's, gaze honing on the overlay. ]
I made a mistake. And this is the way I know how to avoid repeating it.
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[ Subaru couldn't control the fight. He couldn't control his magic. He couldn't control Agent Choi, or Sleep, or Saheon's panic. So things happened the way they did.
Calling it Subaru's fault is laughable. Saheon almost wants to laugh in his face. A mistake? Trust was the only mistake the other man made, the rest was just a predictable consequence anyone could have foreseen. A man like this, a human being, can't guarantee Saheon's survival. So things will always happen this way...
He meet Subaru's gaze head on. ]
Good luck, then.
[ On some level, he's sure Subaru suspected him before this. There are only a few sensible explanations for why he's here unharmed when others are dead, and none of them reflect well on Baek Saheon. When the tether connects, a firebrand of sudden neurogenically shock, it's no longer possible to hide how he feels. Saheon is sure his lack of guilt is damning. His mind is hateful, weak, desolate, with no room for anything else. Something that lived so long with deep seated animal panic, a fox gnawing its leg off in a trap, that it's impossible to differentiate anything else.
How can Subaru answer that...seriously. What mistake will you fix? ]
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There are a thousand ghosts in here with him because he is unable to forget. Nothing scars in this enshrinement. They wanted to live, and they do. That fight in the underground will be much the same. To commit this funereal wellspring of premeditated ruin to memory is... no different. It will never be any different.
What's one thousand and one? ]
There's no changing what's already happened. [ He responds aloud, confirmation that the tether took. ] I know.
[ He slips his hand away. ]
So, think of it as self-satisfaction, if you'd like.
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As long as you know...
[ As long as Subaru knows... The dog teeth gnaw. As long as Subaru knows what Saheon did, even a hint, it's probably safer if he's dead. Yet even Sleep couldn't manage that. On some level, that means he's stronger then her.
So... As long as Subaru knows but is willing to let it be... Saheon slips his hand away, putting it back in his pocket. If accepting what Saheon is satisfied Subaru. ]
It's fine. I understand but...I don't think I can give you what you want, sir.
[ He might try if he could manage it. That's almost like saying "I'm sorry". ]
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With the tether in place, he steps back with the intent to go right back to his coat and shoes, inclining his head on the way as if in honor of whatever transaction it counts for. It's a bit pathetic, for a single tether to feel like it's taken everything out of him, but he'll manage.
He does cast a glimpse upwards, more stern than curious. ]
What is it that you think I want?
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Satisfaction.
[ It's a nice thought, what Subaru is doing, to make good the bad. Redeem all the awful dregs like Saheon, in their cloying misery. He can feel it all up in his head now, your easy empty acceptance. What does it actually achieve? Subaru is strong, and if Saheon doesn't have a reason to hurt anyone, if someone feels the pulses of his easy hate, he's sure Subaru can cow him away from the extreme...but this is no binding vow, no promise, no lasting change. Saheon still doesn't regret being alive. ]
No matter how I look at it, I can't see it.
[ He can't see a good ending for a person like you.
...Let him follow Subaru to the door. He'll get your coat. ]
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...if you're lucky, you may never have to see it.
[ But who's luck is it that they're depending on, really? Subaru bends to get his shoes back on.
He doesn't ask. He doesn't care to. ]
There's nothing you need to do now.
[ Since he got what he came for. ]
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[ Why should he care? The only important thing is to stay alive for at least a few days more. There is nothing more to say except to acknowledge ghosts.
Right now, all Saheon can summon is that dim thought that if Subaru did die on his long trek home, it would be mentally unpleasant. He leans on the side of the door to watch him go. ]
If you need me, you'll know where I am, sir.